With a return to work looming for me I have noticed a most unwelcome guest has piggybacked on it. The old and uncomfortably familiar spectre of pervasive anxiety is back to lurking over many of the things I do, making itself comfortable amongst all the day-to-day routines and happenings I must go about. As usual, this causes many facets of my health to suffer. Most notably my sleep, my stomach, and, naturally, my brain. This is an attempt to see how to handle upcoming potential triggers and issues as I re-enter the workforce and many aspects of society I have been absent from for 17 months.
First, the stalwarts. Always at least one piece of gum in a coin pocket or bag if I’m carrying one. The chewing helps both distract me and ground me in the moment, which being taken away from is generally my biggest trigger. Next, something to drink. Usually, a bottle of water will do, but if it’s a fizzy drink without too much sugar or flavoring that works too. These are much better replacements for what I used to carry, which was a plastic water bottle filled with vodka. Last, an “emergency pill”, usually some form of prescription mood stabilizer or even a mild sedative. This usually goes in the coin pocket with the gum and is rarely, if ever, taken. It’s more of a talisman, really, a way to assure my panicked brain that I do have control over it and the situation if things really spiral out of control. Sometimes even just touching it and knowing it’s there is enough to help.
Second, the things I carry not physically but mentally alongside the anxiety to help counter it. One of the most basic and easy ones is doing simple addition. Even just the act of starting with 1+1=2 and adding each consecutive sum after that can help with that same mix of distraction and grounding. It’s also fun to befuddle the mind a bit when I get up high enough. Generally, something happening in the real world will distract me from that, though. I can also try working my way through the lyrics to a particularly favorite song, or even just something simple like Happy Birthday. Sometimes I’ll try looking for specific objects, colors, letters, or numbers around me. I may even try texting someone I know to momentarily pull my focus. Waiting for the response can give my free-floating panic a concrete focus. Games on the phone or scrolling social media can help on occasion, but they’re such regular occurrences that it’s rare that they do much. Last, if I’m left with nothing else, I can repeat a phrase like a mantra. I used to use “Healthy, wealthy, and wise” even though it felt like a lie. Fake it till you make it, they say. Not that I’m a fan of that particular phrase. I have used it as well, though.
In the interest of true foresight, I’ll also list the things I plan to supply myself with going forward that are new ideas or ones I’ve gleaned from others. I’m going to start carrying a physical journal with me again, something I used to do on any sort of travel, and use it to write in during moments of duress. I haven’t tried this yet, but I’m thinking the act of it might help me. It might be a bit tricky in cars, buses, or trains, but it sounds helpful enough to give it a shot. I also have an old travel journal that I’ve been writing in on and off for almost 30 years now, so I can also always just flip back through the past and give it a read. That might be a pretty good distraction. I also may try talking out scenes to myself, something I’ve done to pass the time in the shower or when I’m doing some sort of relatively mindless task at home or work and am alone. Mask-wearing should actually help with this as my mouth will be covered, but I could always put a phone to my face, I suppose. These are just weird little improvs I come up with on the spot related to something around me, something I’ve indulged in, also on and off, for years as well. Finally, I will allow myself to address whatever I’m going through with the person I’m am with, if it’s safe. This will most often be my wife, which is fine of course, but I have had a moment or two in a rideshare where either the driver was able to pick up on my situation or I felt comfortable enough to discuss it with them. Doing so usually takes some of the power away from the bad moment. There are a few others I’m kicking around in my brain, but those three are the ones I plan to deploy for sure as, or if, needed.
I have been trying to get out more, and spend more time in cars again, before it becomes a daily ritual to leave the house and go to work. It has also been more manageable in some ways; I seem to have at least a bit more perspective on it these days, which I appreciate. Who knows, maybe writing all this out will help me return to the supposed mastery of anxiety and panic that I seemingly had for several years after getting sober. I don’t have high hopes for that just yet, but it does feel sort of good (and a little scary, of course) to put this out in the world again.
As ever, you are encouraged to share any of your own coping/management tricks and tips in the comments if you’re so motivated. For instance, I’m not sure what to do about the way my sleep is impacted since not much works and I really don’t like taking pills or any sort of medication if I can avoid it (yes, even though I like carrying one “just in case”). Anyhow, one of the most powerful things in the fight against my own brain is the reminder that none of us is truly alone in it, no matter what it may try to tell you.